if you dont want to read some one wine stop reading right now ok

I dont like myself.. I really dont.. I mean I may have my good qualities and all but I really dont like myself.... yeah if fife min I will probably be like o no jsut forget it I am fine jsut was a bad mood... but I have always done that.. but over all I really am not happy....... I have not been in a long time.. I mean I cant wait to go to AIT in Aug. just so I CAN be happy. I loved it there... all I had to do is what I was told and do a lot of push up and flutter kicks... it was so simple and I loved it... Maybe it is because I ahave not been running in a long time that I feel this way... I dont know... but I feel like major crap right now... why do I alwyas get attached to females I cant have.. no I mean like female friends.. I grow to care about them way to much.. and then when there life start to go really good and the find a great guy and they are happy I get like even more sad because I know I did it again.. I let my feeling go to far.. I always to that.. I mean I am trying to figure them out now and keep them and I know have friends, loved friends,... it has helped me with some of them to go yes I do love this person but it is as a friend not more then that.. it has help me a lot saying that to myself.. keeps my mind strait.... I am always looking for a girl to like me or a girl to hang out wiht it seems.. but as soon as I get one that likes me and wants to hang out wiht me I turn and give them a cold shoulder... I dont knwo why I do this at all.. I mean some of them are nice girls and all.. but if I dont get that WOW in my head I jsut am like whatever.. but then when these girls turn and go ok and start to like some one else I go shit fucked that up... why do I do this... now there is the Lauren girl... dont really know if I will ever get the chance to hang out with her... I think she is kind of whatever to the subject of it... I mean she already has a lot of good friends and all and she does not want to start something befroe she goes to college so I dont know if she really want to hang out wiht some one that her.. I mean I like her more then just for her damn good looks.. yes I am human so that is what I first noticed.. but after talking to her some I like her even more. she is such a great girl... I dont knwo I wil just stop this bitching and call it a night for blogging... well actually I will probably write one more before I go to bed.. whenever that is.. but yeah... bye for now :'-(

*Ding* *Ding* Round 2

ok just got done with that last point now I have to bitch about it... if you look through my blog a while ago I made a post about people who do basically what I jsut did above. How I dont like it when people who dont have it that bad at all go and do that. See I swear I must have multiple personalites because I look back at what I just wrote and think god shit up you winy peice of shit. or somehting like that.. for chirst sakes I even wrote it in there that I would do this... god am I really that pathetic?... I make myself sick... well anyways I will make another update like I said above later before I go to bed... I will probalby put some of both of these personalities in it and give you an update on what goiong on in my life.. not really to much really but yeah.. I will tel later bye